Developing Boundaries in Healthy Relationships

Developing Boundaries in Healthy Relationships



Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes is a Licensed Professional Counselor and Qualified Clinical Supervisor. She received her PhD in Mental Health Counseling from the University of Florida in 2002. In addition to being a practicing clinician, she has provided training to counselors, social workers, nurses and case managers internationally since 2006 through AllCEUs.com Learn about boundaries signs of violations and how to maintain them. Summarize the characteristics of healthy relationships
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Developing Healthy Relationships
Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes PhD, LPC-MHSP
Executive Director: AllCEUs Counselor Education
Objectives
 Describe the characteristics of healthy relationships
 Learn about boundaries signs of violations and how to maintain them
Boundaries
 Boundaries help people live authentically, respecting their feelings, needs and wants
 Boundaries are:
 Physical
 Affective
 Cognitive
 Environmental
 Relational
 To develop effective boundaries, you need to be clear with your partner who you are, what you want, your beliefs and values, and your limit
Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Boundaries: Physical
Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Boundaries: Affective
Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Boundaries: Cognitive
Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Boundaries: Environmental
Healthy Vs. Unhealthy Boundaries: Relational
Summary
 Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
 Trust
 Respect of the person and boundaries
 Honesty
 Independence
 Attention
 Awareness
 Understanding / Perspective Taking
 Self Confidence
 No jealousy of the other person
 Not using the person for your sole source of validation
 Personal responsibility for own happiness and behaviors
 Balance / Reciprocity
Summary
 Characteristics of Healthy Relationships
 Caring / Compassion
 Commitment
 Communication
 Assertiveness
 Conflict Management
 No mind reading
 Compromise / Flexibility
 Acceptance of individuality and differences

#relationshipskills #healthyrelationships #interpersonalskills

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TIMESTAMPS
00:00 Intro
01:05 What are personal boundaries 5 types of boundaries
42:35 Boundary Activity
55:05 Summary and Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

Ek wil almal graag verwelkom by die aanbieding van vandag oor die ontwikkeling van gesonde verhoudings in hierdie aanbieding, ons fokus regtig daarop om mense te help om gesonde grense te leer en gesonde verhoudings te ontwikkel om gesonde verhoudings te ontwikkel. Donderdag se klas fokus op liefdestale en temperament om gesonde goeie verhoudings ons gaan leer oor grense tekens van grens oortredings en hoe om grense te handhaaf en ons gaan ‘n opsomming te voltooi deur n opsomming van die eienskappe van ‘n gesonde verhoudings natuurlik dat jy kan waarskynlik lys trosse van hulle het ek gevind dat ‘n paar lyste online Ek het soos 50 eienskappe van ‘n gesonde verhoudings, maar baie van hulle lyk oorbodig wees om my Ek het probeer om dit neer op die top jy weet 15 of sodat manier waarop mense het nie soveel dat hulle nodig het om te probeer om te fokus op een van die dinge wat ‘n baie kliënte nie verstaan nie is wat grense is wat hulle nog nooit grense gehad of het nooit gedink oor grense so een van die eerste t hings wat ons moet doen is om voor te stel dat hulle daardie hele konsep van grense as dinge wat hulp leef ons outentiek respek vir ons gevoelens behoeftes en begeertes Ek leer my kliënte wat grense kan kom in baie verskillende geure ons fisiese grense affektiewe grense of emosionele grense kognitiewe grense omgewingsgrense en verhoudings- of verhoudingsgrense, en ons gaan elkeen in diepte ingaan terwyl ons deur die aanbieding gaan om effektiewe grense te ontwikkel, mense moet duidelik wees met ander oor wie hulle is, wat hulle wil, hul oortuigings en waardes en hul grense vir baie mense waarmee ek werk, is ‘n vreemde konsep vir hulle, hulle weet nie wie hulle is nie; hulle leef soos ‘n verkleurmannetjie, wat almal wil hê dat hulle moet wees so lank dat hulle nie in kontak is nie met wat hulle wil, is dikwels omdat hulle hul behoeftes of hul begeerte so lank op die agtergrond geplaas het of dat hulle so lank by verslawing betrokke was dat hulle het alles verdoof en hulle weet nie meer wat hulle geniet nie, en wat hulle meer wil en nodig het, baie kliënte waarmee ek werk, is nie in kontak met hul oortuigings en waardes nie, maar het altyd net saamgevoeg voet na die ander dink ek nie regtig aan watter dinge nie, ek waardeer dit regtig, wat is my kernwaardes en ek het daaroor gepraat dat dit in ander klasse belangrik is om kliënte te vra as jy weg is, waarvoor wil jy hê moet mense jou onthou ? wat is die vyf eienskappe waarvoor u wil hê dat mense u moet onthou wanneer hulle oor u praat , of dit nou is omdat u gesterf het of omdat u na die ander kant van die land verhuis het, of wat u ook al nie daar is as iemand dit sou beskryf nie? jy, watter vyf eienskappe wil jy hê hulle moet praat oor waar die grense vandaan kom, dit is die volgende vraag wat baie kliënte het , soos jy weet, as ek hiermee gebore is, hoe weet ek wat my grense is as kinders groei? op ontwikkel hulle ‘n gevoel o As dit goed is en wat nie reg is nie, kom ons grense meestal uit ons familie van herkoms, as u uit ‘n gesonde gesin kom, is daar demokrasie, respek vir ons fisiese grense, u weet dat ons nie te naby kom nie, ons word nie geraak nie onvanpas, maar daar is genoeg fisiese geneentheid as ons dit nodig het. Gesonde gesinne het ‘n goeie balans tussen onafhanklikheid en onderlinge afhanklikheid as die gesin vasgevang is, wat beteken dat die grense te los is, die verwagtinge is dat iemand gewoonlik die ouers vir u sal vertel hoe om te dink hoe om te voel wat hulle moet doen, hulle beheer wat jy eet, ens. As hulle te los is, is daar moontlik geen terugvoer nie en voel die persoon alleen of geïsoleer in verslaafde gesinne, die mantra praat nie, moenie vertrou nie en voel nie dat dit alle grense is nie, maar die persoon met die verslawing is gewoonlik die een wat beheer of probeer beheer oor wat in die gesin aangaan, ‘ n ander plek waar ons die grense leer, is van ons kultus ‘n Deel daarvan is van ons familie, maar ‘n deel daarvan is van die media en van ander mense in ons kultuur, dink daaroor in die vyftigerjare . Ek kyk dit nou en die stemmetjie in my kop oor grense en vroueregte en dinge gaan net oral oor in die 50's grense was baie verskillende emosionele grense kognitiewe grense tussen mans en vroue, byvoorbeeld vandag se kultuur dink oor wat dit leer oor grense fisiese grense wat ons fisiese grense wat is goed om te doen wat nie okay om te doen en daar is ‘n baie fisieke grense wat selfs oor gekruis het in voorkoms en microaggressions en sulke dinge wat mense is besig om nog meer bewus van of het uitdagings met affektiewe grense, hoe ons voel dat ons kultuur ons dikwels vertel, en dit is nie net die hedendaagse kultuur nie, maar u weet dat kulture altyd gekommunikeer het wat belangrik is bly oor wat belangrik is om hartseer oor te wees of oor bekommerd te wees, maar u weet byvoorbeeld dat die koronavirus nou rondloop, ek het gesien dat baie effektiewe grense ongeldig is, ek het gesien hoe mense wat nie bang is nie, skaam en gekritiseer word sonder om bekommerd te wees, het ek mense wat angstig probeer probeer bevorder dat almal angstig moet wees, hulle kan nie verstaan ​​waarom mense nie angstig is nie, en dit is ‘n oortreding van ‘n effektiewe grens, nie almal reageer op dieselfde manier as kognitiewe grense nie. hoe ons dink en ons sien baie oortredings van kognitiewe grense aanlyn, en ek het al baie op sosiale media gesien dat u Facebook Twitter Instagram op sulke plekke sien waar mense, as hulle hul gedagtes deel , dikwels skaam kry as hulle vertel dat hulle verkeerd is daar is nie ‘n gesindheid van aanvaarding en begrip dat ons sou hoop dat daar gesonde grense is nie; ons kan ons eie opinies stel, selfs al verskil hulle, maar ons hoef nie te kritiseer nie. gebruik nie haatlike taal omgewing grense is jy weet wat is veilig wat is joune en baie van ons is redelik duidelik op ons omgewing grense het ons ‘n dagboek verwag ons dat mense nie om dit te lees het ons ‘n laptop verwag ons dat mense nie te log op ons profiel by die werk, verwag ons dat mense nie deur ons lessenaar gaan nie, en as hulle dit doen, voel ons dat die grensoortreding en ons kultuur ons baie leer oor u, weet wat aanvaarbaar is vir grense en dan verhoudingsgrense en daar is baie diegene wat daar is, en dit gaan oor hoe ons met ander mense omgaan, hoeveel ons met ander mense deel, en ek dink dit is belangrik dat u byvoorbeeld moet oorweeg wanneer u met kliënte werk, wat hul spesifieke kultuur is, wat leer die Spaanse kultuur wat doen die Asiatiese kultuur leer dat as u met mense uit verskillende kulture werk, hul grense waarskynlik ‘n bietjie anders sal wees op grond van kulturele sedes, en dit is ook belangrik om respek te hê hoed daar is een persoon wat in my lewe op die oomblik wat uit ‘n tweede-generasie Spaans-Amerikaanse familie en sy ouers is baie baie tradisionele en daar is ‘n baie reëls en gedrag in daardie huis wat anders as wat gebeur in ons huishouding is en dit is interessant om na die verskil te kyk en die kulturele verskille te waardeer deur te erken dat so ‘n kultuur grense bevorder, en dit is anders as ons s'n, dit is nie verkeerd nie, dit is nie reg nie, dit is net anders, so laat ons begin praat oor die individuele tipes grense is baie vinnig, en as ek dit met kliënte deurgaan, wil ek hê hulle moet oor drie hoofvrae dink, hoe lyk hierdie gedrag, so hoe lyk dit as ek aangeraak kan word of persoonlike ruimte kan hê? soos ek verlang, in plaas daarvan om beheer oor my liggaam te hê of wat ander aan my doen, hoe lyk dit in my lewe, en kan dit baie anders wees, hoe kommunikeer hierdie gedrag? Ek doen dinge wat ander aanmoedig om my persoonlike ruimte te respekteer. Wat kommunikeer daardie gedrag as ek nie my grense beweer as ek baie swak grense het nie en ek laat ander mense aan my doen wat hulle wil en beheer my liggaam wat dit kommunikeer en waar het hierdie idee vandaan gekom, waar het ek geleer dat dit goed is om fisiese grense te hê, of dat dit nie goed is om fisiese grense te hê nie, as iemand gesonde fisiese grense het, kan hulle aangeraak word of dat hulle persoonlike ruimte kan hê as hulle wil, hulle kan drukkies gee hulle kan drukkies ontvang, maar hulle kan ook persoonlike ruimte respekteer en hul persoonlike ruimte laat respekteer verskillende kulture het verskillende vlakke van persoonlike ruimte in sommige kulture, dit is baie nader in ander kulture, dit is baie verder weg Ek kontak is ‘n tipe kontak wat u kan plaas onder fisiese grense is sommige kulture baie teen, is dit nie die regte woord nie, maar dit is onvanpas of onbeleefd om ‘n ouderling direk in die oë te kyk en in ander kulture is dit onvanpas om nie ‘ n ouderling direk in die oë te kyk nie, word dit as ‘n teken van disrespek beskou, daarom wil ons weer kultuur oorweeg , maar ons wil ook ander dinge in ag neem as iemand in ‘n mishandelde huishouding grootword of in ‘n situasie grootword mag hulle nie nee sê waar hulle nie beheer oor hul eie liggaam mag hê nie, dan kan hulle sukkel om te beweer dat as iemand nou dinge alleen kan doen, dit ‘n gesonde fisiese grens is wat relasioneel kan wees, maar wat hulle ook al kan om hulself te neem en na die kruidenierswinkel te gaan, inkopies te doen of te gaan stap of wat hulle ook al wil doen, hulle voel nie dat hulle toestemming nodig het om iets te doen wat hulle wil doen nie, die laaste aspek of een wat ons wil doen Ek gaan oor gesonde fisiese grense praat, is ‘n bewustheid en respek vir u fisiese behoeftes, wat het ek nodig vir voeding vir slaap, en ek plaas ‘n klomp verskillende dinge hier as u dink aan ‘n werklik beheersende verhouding jy dink dalk aan een waarin die ander maat bepaal wat die persoon eet, hoeveel hy slaap as hy gaan slaap, of hy medikasie neem, of hy of sy mag medikasie neem, selfs of hy hul hare kleur of nie, of hoe hulle sny hul hare, my skoonma, dit is geneig om u te ontvang, wat my skoonpa wil hê, net soos sy haar hare doen en wat hulle doen vir ontspanningsaktiwiteite en sulke dinge, maar weer het hulle gegroei in ‘n ander kultuur in ‘n ander tyd, het hulle in die 50's en vroeë 60's grootgeword toe dit aanvaarbare grense was, is hulle tevrede met die grense, maar sy is nie tevrede met die feit dat u sy insette kry en voel dat u weet dat sy veronderstel is om dit te doen nie volg sy leiding wat vir haar goed is, so dit is die ander ding waarna ons met grense wil kyk, selfs al voel hulle nie dat hulle by die hoofstroom pas nie, en vra die persoon wanneer dit gebeur, hoe laat dit u fisies ongesonde grense voel? jy het nie beheer oor jou liggaam of wat ander aan jou doen as jy voel dat jy gedwing word in situasies wat fisies ongemaklik is om nie veilig by ander te voel nie, wat lei tot onttrekking, soms wil mense net nie aangeraak word nie. alles wat hulle nie by ander mense wil hê nie, want jy weet dat jy te bang is om fisies seergemaak of geskend te word, en dit gaan waarskynlik terug na ‘n trauma van een of ander aard, wat altyd deur jou maat vergesel moet word. As u voel dat u oral moet saamgaan omdat u bang is om self te gaan , weet u dit is een ding, maar ook as u in ‘n verhouding is waar u maat sê dat u nie self kan uitgaan nie, weet ek van een persoon in en jy weet daar is baie mense, maar jy weet as jy dink aan vriende en kennisse waar een van die vennote in die verhouding nooit toegelaat is gedurende die drie jaar wat hulle getroud was nie, nooit na die kruidenierswinkel kon gaan nie alleen moes altyd deur die ander vennoot vergesel word, en u weet dat dit baie onderdrukkend vir die persoon was, daarom is dit belangrik om aan u te dink hoe dit u laat voel en dat u voel dat u u eie persoonlike agentskap het. As u self na die kruidenierswinkel wil gaan , kan u dit verkies, maar u verkies om ‘n onderneming te hê wat toestemming moet kry om dinge te doen of plekke te gaan, dit is een ding, as ons van ‘n agtjarige praat, is dit ‘n ander ding as u ‘ Ek praat van ‘n 18 -jarige of ‘n 28 -jarige wat voel dat hulle toestemming moet vra, daar is ‘n verskil tussen toestemming vra en advies wanneer ek na die kruidenierswinkel gaan as ek uitgaan . hy weet jy weet hy kan dit vir my sê O, terwyl jy by die winkel is om brood te gaan haal, of jy weet wat ook al, maar ek loop nie net uit die huis nie en gaan sien my af en toe moet net ‘n rukkie weet om my kop skoon te maak, en ek is asof ek gaan ut op ‘n ry ek sal terug wees en jy weet dis okay ek het nie toestemming om dit te doen, maar om hom daarvan weerhou om bekommerd te wees Ek het oor die algemeen vertel hom vertel hom ek gaan uit jy weet iewers vir X tydperk nodig van tyd af, en ek is terug by die ete of wat ook al, sodat hy hom nie bekommer nie en hy doen dieselfde vir my en ek verwag dat ons kinders dieselfde vir ons sal doen as hulle uitgaan, hulle vertel ons waar hulle ‘weer gaan en wanneer hulle gaan terug wees en ongesonde verhoudings die een vennoot voorskrifte fisiese behoeftes van die ander persoon se en ek het gepraat oor wat ‘n bietjie vroeër soms mense sal kry in werklik beheer verhoudings waarin ‘n vennoot wat jy weet wil elke beheer aspek van die persoon se lewe, nou weet u dat dit in perspektief is, daar is sekere aspekte van BDSM, byvoorbeeld as mense in ‘n verhouding onder leiding van ‘n vrou tree of as hulle dit ‘n slaafmeesterverhouding noem. Ek haat die titel regtig, maar dit is wat dit is wat dit ‘n paar hiervan genoem word, is l as lewenstylverhoudings waarin die onderdanige eintlik kies en verkies om gesê te word wat hy moet doen en sy of haar behoeftes te laat bepaal , wil ons weer aan die persoon vra of dit u ontstel en u weet net dat sommige mense dit stel wil op daardie onderdanige rol dit is nie die meerderheid op enige manier aan te neem, maar dit is belangrik om te erken en respekteer en affektiewe grense is ons gevoelens mense wat gesonde emosionele grense affektiewe grense erken dat hulle verantwoordelik is vir hul eie geluk dit is nie enigiemand anders se verantwoordelikheid om my gelukkig te maak, dit is my verantwoordelikheid om te kies hoe ek op die lewe moet reageer en die gedrag en reaksies op wat ook al gebeur, te kies, wat my sal help om so gelukkig as moontlik te wees, aangesien Hayes dit aanvaar en aanvaar terapie, niemand sal heeltyd gelukkig wees nie, maar ek is verantwoordelik vir my eie gevoelens. As ek kwaad voel, is dit goed, onthou gevoelens is ons liggaam y se waarskuwingsteken is ons waarskuwing wat ons vertel of ons moet veg of vlug, of dat ons dit weer moet doen, gevoelens is ‘n natuurlike chemies gebaseerde reaksie wat gebaseer is op voorafgaande leer, dit is goed wat ons doen met die gevoelens waarvoor ons verantwoordelik is, of ons dit koester in die geval van geluk ‘n wonderlike ding in die geval van wrok nie so goed nie, of ons dit voed of wat ons daarmee doen, ons is uiteindelik verantwoordelik vir ons reaksie op ons emosies met gesonde grense, mense het emosionele bewustheid persoonlike emosionele bewustheid en intelligensie emosionele intelligensie erken dat hulle wat hulle nodig het hoe hulle voel hoekom hulle so voel en wat die volgende beste stap is om hulle te help om die volgende oomblik mense wat angstig is, byvoorbeeld wat goeie emosionele bewustheid en emosionele intelligensie het , te herken Ek voel angstig, laat my sien ek voel angstig as gevolg hiervan, en dit is my opsies om dit te hanteer. Dit is wonderlike mense wat nie emosie het nie alie bewus van wie Alex thymic moontlik nie hul emosies kan identifiseer nie, miskien is hulle nooit geleer hoe om hul emosies te identifiseer nie, maar hulle kan nie effektief outentiek leef as hulle nie in kontak is met hoe hulle voel nie as hulle nie in kontak is nie wat maak hulle gelukkig versus wat maak hulle hartseer as hulle nie hierdie dinge weet nie, dan weet hulle nie waar om grense te stel nie, dit is regtig belangrik dat mense in aanraking kom met wat hul behoeftes wil en nie hou nie en uiteindelik in effektiewe grense dit is die vermoë om medelye met jouself en ander te hê, en erken dat niemand perfek is nie en met effektiewe grense in plaas van om krities te wees oor hoe iemand anders reageer, maar ek sal deernis vir hulle hê in plaas van te sê dat jy nie so moet voel nie, jy moet dit voel Ek sal sê dat jy voel hoe jy voel, en ek sal hier by jou sit, ek sal hier sit terwyl jy jou emosie voel, want ek kan niemand vertel hoe om te voel en deernisvol met myne te wees nie elf Ek sê nie vir myself dat ek op ‘ n sekere manier moet of nie moet voel nie. Ek respekteer hoe ek op die oomblik voel en is kognitief deernisvol met myself; dit is hoe ons dink en mense met gesonde kognitiewe grense is bewus van en kommunikeer hul begeertes het gedagtes en idees nodig, en u weet dat affektiewe en kognitiewe soort saamsmelt, maar dit is belangrik om te onthou dat mense hul eie opinies mag hê en as ons gesonde kognitiewe grense het, weet ons nie net wat ons opinies is nie en ons is gewillig om hierdie menings te beweer, maar ons is ook bereid om ander se opinies te respekteer, selfs al verskil dit van ons en dit is groot in terme van grense, sodat ons vir gesonde grense bewus is van en ons ons behoeftes en gedagtes en idees kommunikeer wat ons bereid is om kyk na ander perspektiewe, ons hoor iemand se perspektief wat van ons s'n verskil, en in plaas daarvan om vir hulle te sê dat hulle verkeerd is, sê ons: laat my ‘n bietjie meer verstaan ​​van waar dit vandaan kom oe hul perspektief is hulle perspektief gebaseer op die kennis en inligting wat hulle het en hul fenomenologiese werklikheid is daar geen shoulds daar dit se mense het hul eie gedagtes en benaderings en oortuigings oor dinge nog ‘n aspek van ‘n gesonde kognitiewe grense is net bewus te wees van ons gedagtes en ons behoeftes aan watter dinge dink ons, erken ons dit en is dit getrou as ons gedagtes het oor iets oor hoe om ‘n probleem op te los, of waarheen ons met vakansie moet gaan, of wat ons gedagtes ook al is, bewus is van die gedagtes en assertief kan kommunikeer hulle is in ‘n veilige situasie belangrik, jy weet of ons almal in situasies was waar iemand gesê het: waar wil jy gaan eet, en dit is asof ek soms nie goed omgee nie, dit is waar dat jy niks het nie voorkeur gee nie om nie, dit is egter belangrik om seker te maak dat u daarvan bewus is as u ‘n mening het oor waarheen u wil gaan, want dit kan baie frustrerend wees haar mense, as hulle elke keer as hulle jou om jou mening vra, uitstel na iemand anders wat jy nie bewus is van wat jy is nie, beteken dit nie dat jou mening noodwendig van hulle is nie, maar dit is jou mening en in gesonde verhoudings wil ons mekaar se grense respekteer in ‘n gesonde verhouding wil ek nie altyd die een wees wat bepaal waarheen ons op vakansie gaan nie, waar ons gaan eet wat ons die naweek doen, jy weet dit is ek wat beheer, dit voel asof ek die verhouding beheer. Ek wil weet wat die ander Die mening van ‘n persoon is en wederkerige selfopenbaarmaking is belangrik, en weereens sou dit in ‘n paar verskillende kategorieë kon gegaan het, maar dit is die verskil tussen iemand wat u ontmoet en skielik skielik die hele geskiedenis op u braak sonder om aandag aan u te gee. grense teenoor wedersydse selfopenbaarmaking en ons het geleer dat u in berading 101 weet dat mense geleidelik ‘n bietjie meer oor hulself gaan deel in berading. Dit is ‘n bietjie anders omdat hulle verwag dat u weet dat u kan braak, maar in verhoudings het u op ‘n stadium in u lewe situasies beleef waarin u iemand ontmoet het en u dit al 20 minute lank ken. van ‘n skielike hulle vertel jy hulle diepste donkerste geheime en jy gaan okay dit is ‘n bietjie meer as wat ek wou nog baie is dit ‘n grens skending ongesonde kognitiewe grense sluit vertrou op wat jy vertrou op jou maat om te weet oor jou om vir jou te sê wat jy wil of wat jy dink, is dit belangrik om te weet wat jy wil en te dink en dit te kan beweer, weet jy as ek vanaand pizza wil gaan, wat my voorkeur kan wees, en ek moet dit kan beweer dit beteken nie ek gaan my manier te kry, maar ek het nie nodig om in staat wees om te weet wat ek wil en kommunikeer dit dis ongesond in verhoudings as jy glo dat jou maat of jou vriend wat jy weet dat jy die ander persoon en hul verhouding moet met u saamstem al l die tyd wat jy weet wat net aan daardie persoon kommunikeer dat hulle nie hul eie grense mag hê nie, is dit nie ‘n gesonde verhouding nie; dit is grense wat indringend onwillig is om ander perspektiewe te oorweeg wat ‘n grens hou wat regtig stewig is en wat ek gaan ‘t wil om te hoor oor dit dit is die manier waarop dit is nou eers my manier of die snelweg weer dit is nie ‘n gesonde grens wees dit is belangrik dat jy weet in ons huis wat ons af en toe betrokke te raak in wat ek sal noem Sokratiese debatte by ‘n ete net sal bring ‘n onderwerp, en ek sal my kinders se opinies daaroor vra en waarom dit oor die algemeen te doen het met ‘ n etiese dilemma of politiek of iets om hulle aan te moedig om te leer hoe om te verwoord, jy weet wat hulle dink en hul standpunt wat ek het ‘ Ek het altyd met hulle saamgestem, maar ek het altyd hul standpunt gerespekteer, en u weet dat hul standpunt hul standpunt is as u nie bewus is van u gedagtes en begeertes nie, is nog ‘n teken van ‘n ongesonde grens Omdat dit gewoonlik die gevolg is dat mense altyd u gedagtes verwerp en hul eie begeertes altyd u gedagtes en begeertes verontagsaam, sodat u net ophou om bewus te word, was dit goed, waarom moet u aandag gee aan wat ek wil hê as niemand te gou luister en te veel te vinnig deel nie? ons het gepraat oor wat ‘n mens die omgewing grense het jou goed gerespekteer jou Diaries jou selfoon jou sosiale media rekeninge jou e-pos Ek het gewerk met talle paartjies wat ‘n baie probleme met die omgewing grense die elke vennoot is basies spioenasie op die ander een probeer om te kry het op hul telefoon aandring om aan te meld dat hul sosiale media -rekeninge met of sonder hul toestemming met hul toestemming by hul e -pos inkom, moet ons jou jou wagwoord gee, en ons moes oor jou praat. daardie gedrag kommunikeer as u daarop aandring dat u maat nie privaatheid mag hê nie, wat kommunikeer dit oor u verhouding stuur wat kommunikeer dit oor u, wat beteken dit dat as u dit nie weet nie, u hierin insien, weet u dat ek ‘n gebrek aan vertroue of ‘n vrees vir verlating hoor, weet u dat daar baie dinge is wat ek hoor en waar is dat komende uit in die omgewing ongesonde grense dikwels draai hierdie omgewing grense dikwels sentreer rondom ‘n gebrek aan privaatheid en geheimhouding Ek het mense wat ek het gewerk met wat wegwerp fone jy weet hulle het wat hulle genoem brander fone of wat ook al dat hulle dat ander mense hulle aanroep, hulle het twee verskillende Facebook -rekeninge, hulle het baie verskillende dinge om hul bedrieglike inbreuk op hul privaatheid te probeer vermy, en ek wil u weer weet waar dit vandaan kom, hoekom doen u dit nie wil deel en jy weet hoekom is daardie persoon so vasbeslote om te verstaan of om te sien wat aangaan in daar as daar ‘n geskiedenis van verslawing jy weet in kompulsiewe porn kompulsiewe pornografie gebruik iets soos dat indien Daar is duidelik ontrou, dit is almal ‘n vertrouensbreuk, en sommige van hierdie kwessies kan dan ontstaan, maar dit is belangrik om seker te maak dat beide partye voel dat hulle oor hul grense bemagtig is, as een van die partye wil weet, sê hier Is dit al my wagwoorde? U weet meer van hulle, maar om seker te maak dat dit ‘n onderhandeling is en dat een van die vennote nie onder druk of gedwing word om iets te vind nie, en verhoudingsgrense is nou duidelik dat dit baie langer is, want baie keer praat ons oor grense in terme van verhoudings gesonde verhoudingsgrense vertroue teenoor agterdog, onthou dat alles op ‘n kontinuum is, wat u in die algemeen weet dat u in ‘n verhouding wil wees, waar u 99,999% van die tyd vertrou dat die ander persoon, indien soms die verdagte gedagte deur u kop trek, wat nie noodwendig beteken nie as slegte grense, maar dit gaan terug na die omgewingsaspek van grense en om ietwat te vertrou teenoor iemand wat voortdurend gee Gee hulle die derde graad en wil hê dat u in elke aspek van hul lewe moet weet wanneer mense nie vertroue het nie, ek wil weet waar dit met u gebeur het, wat daartoe gelei het dat u onseker voel dat dit moontlik is dat hulle het ‘n lae selfbeeld en is daarom bang vir verwerping, waarna ons binne ‘n minuut kan kom; dit kan wees dat hulle voorheen in ‘n slegte verhouding was en bagasie uit vorige verhoudings dra en die huidige vennoot daarvoor gyselaar hou, en dit is soort van ‘n grensvet oortreding daar as ek jou as gyselaar hou vir alles wat al die ander my ooit verkeerd gedoen het, daar is baie ekstreme woorde daar, maar jy verstaan ​​my punt, dit is ‘n soort oplegging, jy weet dit is ‘n ding wat ek op jou plaas dit behoort nie eers aan jou nie, en as jy aan bagasie dink, dink jy daaraan om deur te loop, weet jy in ‘n hotelkamer of ‘n hotel of iets, en jy dra jou bagasie en jy ontmoet iemand en praat met jou ste vir ‘n paar minute, dan is u skielik soos hier; hier is my sewentien sakke, hoekom dra u dit nie vir my nie, niemand sal u sewentien sakke na u kamer toe neem nie, waarskynlik dieselfde ding as ons praat oor emosionele bagasie in gesonde verhoudings mense eerlik hulle sê wat dit beteken en wat hulle bedoel wat hulle sê Horton hoor die wat ek dink dit is wat dit genoem ek bedoel wat ek sê en wat ek gesê wat ek bedoel ‘n olifant se getroue 100% Ek is lief vir dr . Seuss, jammer, maar eerlik oor wat jy wil, wat jy nodig het, in teenstelling met speletjies of manipulasie, as jy wil hê dat jou maat meer tyd saam met jou moet deurbring, kommunikeer dit dan selfgeldend, en eerlikheid en selfgelding gaan regtig hand aan hand as mense dit nie doen nie. Ek voel nie dat hulle eerlik kan wees met hul vennote nie, en ek gebruik die term vennoot losweg, want ons moet grense hê in al ons verhoudings, ons vriendskappe, ons moet grense met ons kinders hê, ons moet verskillende grense hê en Dit is belangrik om uit te vind wat hierdie gedrag beteken en probeer om te werk aan die ontwikkeling van eerlikheid en vertroue en selfbeeld. Ons wil nie hê dat mense moet voel dat hulle speletjies moet speel of ons manipuleer om ons te laat doen wat hulle wil hê ons moet doen nie wil ons nie hê dat mense moet voel dat hulle ‘n bevestiging van ander moet hê om toestemming te hê om die lug in te asem nie, dat ons nie wil hê dat mense moet voel dat hulle ander nodig het om vir hulle te sê dat dit goed is nie, ons wil hê dat mense stron moet hê? g selfbeeld, ons wil hê dat mense in staat is om verskille in hul maat te respekteer en nie jaloers te wees as hul maat iets slaag of nie jaloers is as iemand anders u maat aandag gee nie, u weet dat die respek vir verskille in u maat regtig belangrik is en ons ‘ Ons gaan Donderdag baie daaroor praat as ons oor temperament praat, maar mense is so verskillend en dit is belangrik om te herken en te sinergiseer, want Covey sê bereidwilligheid om te help sonder om te hoef te red of uself onontbeerlik te maak, en dit is een van die kontinuumsoorte Daar is soms ‘n vriend wat in ‘n krisis verkeer en hulp nodig het, en oké, jy weet ons sal dadelik daarheen gaan, maar daar is ‘n verskil tussen af ​​en toe help, terwyl jy voel dat jy voortdurend moet red mense of druk hulle in die regte rigting, want hulle gaan nie in die rigting wat u dink hulle moet baie selfstandig begin word nie, kommunikeer hier selfgeldend Om aan u behoeftes te voldoen en u stand te hou, is belangrik in gesonde grense in verhoudings as ek sê dat u weet dat ek hierdie sagte grense het, wat u weet, ek sou verkies om dit nie die naweek te doen nie, maar as dit vir u belangrik is, sal ons dit moeilik vind. die grense van nee, dit is dat dit nie gaan gebeur nie, maar eers voel dit asof mense u voordeel trek, een van die dinge wat moeilik is in verhoudings en wat hier val, is gedagtes lees, en dit is eintlik ook ‘n kognitiewe vervorming , maar dit is ook ‘n grensoortreding om betrokke te raak of te verwag om gedagtes te lees as u gedagtes lees, neem u aan dat u weet wat die persoon dink, wat ‘n soort grensklep is by grensoortreding, omdat u nie weet wat hulle dink u plaas nie baie vir hulle dat hulle miskien glad nie eers dink nie, is ‘n grensoortreding, dieselfde geld vir verwagting as ek van my maat verwag om net te weet wat ek wil doen vir Moedersdag of kn O, waarheen wil ek op vakansie gaan, of weet u as ek net van hom verwag om dinge te weet sonder om vir hom te sê dat dit ‘n grensoortreding is, want ek verwag dat hy my gedagtes lees, ek verwag dat hy so opdringerig is en ek ‘weer reg dit gaan saam met daardie lyn van goed moet u reeds weet wat is verkeerd ek moet nie te wat verwag gedagte-lesing wat is onregverdig en ‘n grens skending onafhanklikheid teenoor afhanklikheid ons tekens van verskillende kante van die kontinuum op grense daar is soms te onafhanklik, as u niemand anders in u omgewing wil hê nie, voel u nie dat u iemand anders nodig het nie, en u sal net weet dat u u bal moet neem en huis toe gaan, teenoor dat u heeltemal afhanklik is en dat mense u moet vertel wat u moet doen doen die hele tyd wat ons wil strewe na interafhanklikheid en kultureel, wat vir verskillende mense ‘ n bietjie anders sal lyk, maar dit is belangrik om mense aan te moedig om te aanvaar watter onafhanklikheid ook al hulle gemaklik is. persoonlike verantwoordelikheid teenoor die skuld van ander is nog ‘n teken van gesonde teenoor ongesonde grense as ek al my mede-werkers begin blameer omdat ek te laat was vir ‘n vergadering, waarvan u weet dat sy dit nie vir my gesê het nie en dat sy nie haar papierwerk aan my gegee het nie on time that's why I'm late you know that's not taking personal responsibility and that's violating boundaries that's putting it another person in a position of feeling unsafe and that's not taking responsibility and being honest and authentic for myself attention versus apathy is the next to last characteristic we're going to talk about attention is what we need to provide to relationships in healthy relationships we are willing and we recognize that relationships are kind of living breathing things that can grow or they can die out and we need to give them attention and love and nurturance quality time those sorts of things in unhealthy relationships the person is completely disengaged from the relationship and they're like well you know i f that person's there they're there and if they're not they're not you know that is a very detached boundary there we want to have people you know they don't spend every moment of everyday thinking about what can I do for improving my relationship but they do make a concerted effort to nurture that relationship on a regular basis and finally balance and reciprocity in relationships we've seen relationships I'm pretty sure most of us have where there is a nice give-and-take and you know generally it's 5050 but sometimes it's ninety ten when my mother was ill we went to North Carolina when she got put on hospice care that was an example of ninety ten in the relationship you know I was doing good just to kind of put one foot in front of the other my husband was you know doting and I couldn't have asked him to be more helpful and supportive so there was that ninety ten now there are other times you know when it's gone the other way where he's had some sort of a crisis and you know I've tri ed to be there for him to be supportive so there are times when there's a power imbalance but it a ver ajiz out and ideally both of you aren't in crisis at the same time it's important that there is balance and reciprocity there's not one person who's constantly taking taking taking taking taking and the other person just has nothing left to give one of the questions you can ask clients is who do you struggle to set healthy boundaries with and this is one where you can pretty easily do a stations around the room with flipchart paper and in one corner maybe put partner spouse whatever you want to call it the another corner children another corner maybe in-laws and another corner best friend you know so those are four general groups of people and have your clients go around to each station and identify what types of things happen in those relationships that violate their boundaries or that are signs of unhealthy boundaries I will give my clients a list of the boundaries that we just talk ed about the healthy boundaries and the unhealthy boundaries and they can go around to each one and when they get for example to the one with children they look down each characteristic and they go that sounds like me that sounds like me that sounds like me oh that unhealthy one sounds like me in this relationship I need to put that up there I remember with my daughter she took classes at a one of the local universities as a dual enrollment student and it was the most abysmal experience that I think she probably could have had and it was it was horrid and I was embarrassed for the university that's how bad it was and it would frustrate me and I knew it was frustrating her which frustrated me even more but I had to respect her boundaries I wanted to my husband's friends with the president in the university and I wanted to call up the president and be like hey do you have any idea what's going on under your nose but that would not have respected my daughter's boundaries who wanted to be the adult and wanted to fight her own battles so that was one place where I had to really really struggle to maintain healthy boundaries and not become overly and meshed overly paternalistic or maternal istic in this case with her another example of boundaries when my daughter again bless her heart she is a strong strong little woman but I remember a few years ago she went through a phase where she wanted to dye her hair colors like purple colors and it threw her father for a loop and it took every ounce of restraint he had to respect her boundaries to be able to you know do with her hair as she wanted to do you know figuring ultimately you know there are other battles that we can fight this is probably one we need to let herself express and all that kind of stuff but you know for him that that was a huge challenge the purple hair will go down in in infamy encouraging people to recognize times where they have had their boundaries challenged or you know or had to struggle to maintain he althy boundaries and recognize what that looks like I had a family member who you know God loved them it came from a place of love but they are very critical and whenever they come over they have always got something critical to say and it used to get me all riled up you know I would get uh so upset that you know the person would have to make a critical compliment or not compliment but a critical comment every time they came over and finally my husband pulled me aside one day and he said you know what this person is going to make a critical comment that's just who they are that's just what they have to do I'm sure it comes from a place of love it could be said nicer but you have two options you could well three actually you can either not have them come that wasn't an option you can let it go just recognizing that once this person gets it out of their system you know it's fine or you can talk to them about it assertively and in this particular situation I knew assertive communication w ould not go over well so you know I just chose to let it go recognizing that this person had their own issues and being compassionate what it must be like in their head but that was me deciding how to handle my boundaries in that relationship while not feeling well not letting that person contribute to unhappiness remember I'm responsible for my own happiness it was my responsibility to assert my boundaries and say you know what that's okay I'm not gonna let it get me down encourage people to brainstorm things they can do to improve their boundaries if they have difficulty maintaining boundaries in particular situations having them use guided imagery having them having them visualize interacting with this person and setting and maintaining healthy boundaries it is very difficult to do especially in today's 24/7 social media people are always available that sort of thing sometimes it's harder to set boundaries now because you're reminded of those people kind of on the regular but it's i mportant to envision you know what a healthy relationship with this person would look like what would a healthy resolution to this situation with this person look like envisioning healthy boundaries getting support is really helpful not everybody that you set boundaries with it's gonna like it and they may be irritable or unpleasant if you're work dealing with somebody who has borderline characteristics you know they may get very very angry when you try to set and assert maintain boundaries so it's important to make sure that you have support from other people that you can call and go and talk about how it went how it didn't go how you feel about how it went you know because you're not always going to be able to assert boundaries and have them respected by everybody not everybody is healthy in to respect other people's boundaries and we do need to respect that rehearse with assertive communication if you're going to have a conversation with someone about something rehearsing it with a friend or even just in the mirror but preferably with a friend in order to plan what you're gonna say know how you're gonna say it know how it feels journaling can be helpful to improving boundaries if you journal throughout each day what happened that day and really pay attention to did I maintain my boundaries was I living honestly and authentically do I feel like in these particular relationships I'm maintaining healthy boundaries and that remember healthy boundaries doesn't always mean preventing others from taking advantage of you it could mean preventing yourself from taking advantage of others you know being too overbearing is also a boundary violation so our boundaries can be too weak or too – too strong too overbearing depending on the situation you may have a client who has very weak boundaries with you know her significant other but is very controlling and maternal istic / children and they feel it's very and Varion meshed relationship so the lack of control over here may be redirected to over control over here and we want to look always look at what is the meaning of this behavior if you are refusing to stand up for yourself if you are refusing to be assertive and it makes you unhappy what is it that is inhibiting you from asserting your boundaries you know what prompted this where are you getting the message that it's not okay to have this particular boundary and we want to again explore the reasons for poor bounds some people may have guilt if they feel differently than their counterparts and that's another thing that's come up with kovat some people have confided in me that you know thank you for saying that because you know I'm really not all that stressed out about what's going on with coronavirus and I feel guilty for not being stressed out or I you know feel guilty that I'm not helping more so I'm going out and I'm doing extra volunteering and I'm starting to get worn down we want to look at the motivation underlying the behaviors fear of rejectio n a lot of times when we assert boundaries especially if we haven't done it before we get met with some resistance and it's important to prepare people for that to help them be assertive to help them create win wins when they're setting boundaries you know and that is really important to have that discussion in a way and this goes along with the guided imagery envisioning creating a win-win situation where both partners feel like they are being respected and able to respect their boundaries and low self-esteem is another cause oftentimes of poor boundaries because people with low self-esteem often rely on others for validation so they do everything they can to try to get other people's approval even if it's not what they want they are human chameleons if you will we want people to you know really think about how are these people in your life going to respond when you start asserting boundaries and you know with kids we've talked about this in class before when my kids got to the point where you know they were old enough they were toddlers and I would go to the bathroom and I would shut the door and they'd be outside the door mommy mommy and I'm like you know mommy's in the bathroom see those little fingers coming under the door and you knew they were like sitting there trying to look under the door crack that's a boundary violation you know it's a normal child thing to do but recognizing that boundary violation and then figuring out how to address it assertively you know addressing something assertively with a two-year-old can be a little difficult planning for how that person's going to respond making sure that just like you would do with anybody you want to validate your affection for them unconditional positive regard validate your affection for them as a person and talk about this behavior that may need to change because it's violating your boundaries or sometimes you may have to apologize for violating other people's boundaries many of us have a friend who is a lways kind of sticking their nose in to somewhere they weren't invited it's out of love they want to help they're trying to fix somebody up with somebody else or they're you know talking out of turn they're trying to be helpful but it is not something that's wanted so sometimes you may need to apologize for having you know overbearing behaviors that violated other people's boundaries and thinking about how they will respond and finally have people ask about ask themselves how will having healthy boundaries impact my health and happiness looking back over those behaviors and we're gonna talk about them real quickly here trust if I trust myself and if I can trust those people in my life how much more energy will I have how much less anxious will I be how much less hopelessness and helplessness might I feel if I trust other people then the big question comes the million-dollar question how do I develop trust and that's a whole other class but it is important for them to recognize that tru st is one of those foundations of a healthy relationship and start brainstorming ways to develop trust for example keeping a journal or a diary of times that they you know trusted somebody and it went right you know thinking about my kids for example there are older teenagers now but recognizing that both of them have proven themselves over and over again very trustworthy so there are times now where you know a little spidey sense in the back of my mommy mommy brain goes oh not sure about that but then I have to remind myself like when my daughter started driving she is trustworthy she has always proven herself to be trustworthy so I need to trust her and you know she's thankfully so far she's always proven me out to be right respecting other people and their boundaries is important in healthy relationships looking at your own behaviors recognizing you know what do I do that disrespects other people's boundaries and what do I need to do differently being honest with yourself about your wants needs thoughts feelings and with other people using assertiveness independence is a characteristic of a healthy relationship people ideally in relationships aren't going to fuse and become one they are going to have their own characteristics I use the analogy of cookies because I love cookies sugar cookies on their own are awesome I love sugar cookies chocolate chips on their own are awesome I will eat those like nobody's business you can eat both of them individually when you combine them you get something chocolate chip cookies that are super awesome too but you also have the sugar cookie and the chocolate chips that are independent ingredients into this chocolate chip cookie relationship and that's what we're looking for in relationships we don't want people to have to complete one another we want them to when they combine in that relationship to form something totally new and awesome and still respect what they are you know in a chocolate chip cookie those chocolate chips me lt right there and then you know you can clearly see where the cookie ends and the chocolate begins attention we need to give attention to our relationships awareness of what we need and what others need and that awareness doesn't come from mind-reading that comes from effective communication being willing to be understanding and take person the other person's perspective when something makes you angry you know encouraging clients to step back and go okay let me put myself in that person's shoes and see where they might be coming from see how they might be coming to where they're at self-confidence not being jealous of the other person and not using the other person as the sole source of validation taking personal responsibility for one's own happiness and behaviors making sure there's balance and reciprocity in the relationship being caring and compassionate committed to enhancing that relationship and trying to understand the other person communicating assertively using good conflict management skills again no mind-reading and being willing to compromise and accept individual differences my husband and I and you're gonna learn more about that on Thursday are very very different people I'm an extrovert he's an introvert so for example for celebrations I like parties I like having you know 10 15 20 people over the house that is overwhelming for him he likes you know maybe a double date and that's about as much as he can take for social input so that is really important to be able to understand and respect okay I saw there were a couple of questions here so I want to go back through when feeling okay with boundaries that are not mainstream what if the partner is okay because of stunted emotional growth lack of insight regarding what's really going on or generally unhealthiness and it is definitely a judgment call it's definitely a continuum there are people for example who grew up in very unhealthy environments very unhealthy relationships I'm thinking you know top o f my head domestic violence so they may think that certain behaviors are mainstream I'm avoiding using the n-word mainstream so we may need to educate them about what's mainstream however you know just being aware of the fact that of different types of dominant-submissive relationships is important to know so you can ask about it when there somebody's talking about their relationship if to see where it comes from in a BDSM relationship where there's a power differential it is consensual and it is both partners are very well aware of where it's coming from and the function it serves and why that works for them so yes it is important to identify whether this is where the behaviors are coming from and ultimately we want to ask the person if it's a non mainstream behavior we want to ask the person what benefit they're getting from it and would they prefer something else and if they would why aren't they trying to develop that something else you know explore what the behavior means and if i t comes from a place of fear or anxiety fear of abandonment then you can start processing those issues and yes social media is oh it's a hornet's nest of boundary violations because you can see when people are online you know you people cyber stock one another there are a lot of things that happen on social media that can be can contribute a great a great deal to poor boundaries and it is difficult to parse out learn helplessness from culturally based dependence or interdependence recognizing what the expectations are in that particular culture for example in cultures where you have multiple generations living in the same household there may be a figurehead in that household that has more power more control that does dominate and tell people what to do and you know have more of a controlling role and that is appropriate for that culture so it's important to again to ask them does this feel uncomfortable to you and what how would you like to see this relationship all righty everybody I will work on creating a little short on guided imagery for enhancing boundaries because I see there a couple of you interested in it and other than that I will see you on Thursday between writing notes filing insurance claims and scheduling with clients it can be hard to stay organized that's why I recommend therapy notes they're easy to use platform lets you manage your practice securely and efficiently visit therapy notes com2 get two free months of therapy notes by just using the promo codes CEU when you sign up for a free trial at therapy notes com if this podcast helps you help your clients or yourself please support us by purchasing your CEUs at all CEUs calm or getting your agency to sponsor an episode a direct link to the on demand CEUs for this podcast is it all CEUs dot-com / podcast CEUs that's all CEUs comm slash podcast CEUs to sponsor an episode of counselor toolbox and reach over 50,000 clinicians per week go to all CEUs dot-com / sponsor thank you

#Developing #Boundaries #Healthy #Relationships

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