Therapy in a Nutshell
The #1 Obstacle to Setting Healthy Boundaries: Relationship Skills #5
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Healthy boundaries are essential for healthy relationships and for our mental health. In this video, I describe what stops many people from setting healthy boundaries and outline one essential key to setting good boundaries.
If you want to know how to improve your relationships, be able to say no, or take back your life and relationships, then learning how to set healthy boundaries is an essential skill for parents, lovers, friends, and workers.
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Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC, and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
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I’m Emma McAdam. I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I have worked in various settings of change and growth since 2004. My experience includes juvenile corrections, adventure therapy programs, wilderness therapy programs, an eating disorder treatment center, a residential treatment center, and I currently work in an outpatient therapy clinic.
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People often ask me about boundaries: How to set them, how to hold them, and how to manage them, especially with the people closest to us like our children or our employees or our bosses. Well today we're going to talk about the number one most common obstacle to holding good boundaries. The most common misunderstanding about boundaries is that setting or holding a boundary is mean Harsh or bad . That by setting a boundary We have to be mean to someone else. And people who believe this have in the back of their minds of this idea that in order to set boundaries You kind of have to balance out being kind and being mean to someone While still loving them. I mean no wonder people shy away from holding boundaries because no one wants to be mean. So let's look into this a little bit more people often associate saying yes or giving someone something with being kind and Loving and they associate saying no or being being firm direct or harsh with someone as being unkind or hateful. Well, let's let's look into this a little bit more closely because that is not a fair Association. We can say yes with love in Our hearts or we can say yes with hate in our hearts, and we can say no with love or hate in our hearts So let's take a look at this chart On the top of this chart. We can see two categories being a loving and being hateful or resistant right so where is our heart when we're doing a certain action and is called the way of being by the Arbinger' Institute. And It's talking about our deeper motivations or our intentions, are they selfless or selfish? And on the left side of this chart We're talking about soft or hard behaviors, so what type of behaviors were talking about. Now it's easy to think of the soft and loving behaviors saying things like “Yes. I'll listen to you” or “Yes I'll give you that toy that I know you've been wanting for along time” or “Yes I'll let you go visit your friend because I trust you and I believe that you're gonna be where you say you're going.” So that's the soft loving corner of this chart. The bottom right corner Are the hard behaviors with a resistant or hateful heart right and these are easy to understand as well, So let's take a look at them: They're Screaming, yelling, holding a grudge, any kind of physical violence, right. These are hard behaviors that come from a selfish angry or hateful place. Trying to force someone to change, Saying no. Just because you're mad at someone, right. So these are the two Opposite ends of the spectrum and people often think that's kind of the only way to do it. If we say yes We're being loving if we say no we're being hateful well Let's talk about what it looks like if we're saying yes, if we're being soft having gentle behaviors While holding hate or selfishness in our hearts, what does that look like? This is a called soft resistant, so let's think of a parent who doesn't want to deal with their kid anymore They might say sure”Yeah go watch TV” I just don't want to deal with you right now is what they're saying in their heads. Or a parent in the grocery store They're checking out- There's candy in the aisle the kid starts screaming or asking for candy Parent says yes, not because they think it's what's good for the child in this situation But because they just don't want to hear the kids screaming They're uncomfortable with the way other people look at them, they for their own discomfort are saying yes to the child. that's considered soft- Resistant. Giving in in a selfish way Here's another example: think of two people who are dating and the one says “I love you” and the other one says “I Love you, too” But they don't really mean it- they're actually planning on breaking up with that person. But they don't want to have to have an awkward conversation or an uncomfortable conversation. So they just kind of avoid it, maybe they'll break up with the person through text message Or just stop stop talking into them altogether now this isn't because they're trying to be kind or loving to that other person. It's because they don't want to feel that discomfort so to protect themselves they're just being all soft and sweet- But in their heart, in their mind- They know they don't want to be with this person anymore. It's perfectly it's hateful not to break up with someone. But it is selfish to not be upfront with them to protect yourself from feeling that discomfort. A couple more examples like being passive-aggressive or Sucking up to a teacher. You know you're treating them really nicely to get something from them These are all examples of being soft resistant now. Let's go to the other corner of this box How is it possible to be hard with your behavior while still being loving? I mean I'm gonna ask you right now Is it possible to go shove a little kid like right into the road and gets all scraped up- hit them hard? Could that ever be a loving behavior? Well, yes, if a car is coming. Right? If a car is coming to hit This kid and you push them out of the way the car, and they get skinned knees That's the most loving thing you can do for them in that moment. Now I'm obviously not advocating physical violence, but I'm saying that almost all behaviors can be done from two different places- From a loving selfless place or a hateful selfish place so Saying no more TV. Yes. You must brush your teeth. No you can't buy that toy right now These are all ways to lovingly Help provide a positive future and discipline for a child. If they're coming from a place of love I once had this boss-his name with Shane Gallagher He's amazing and he told me a story about a time when he fired someone with so much love and concern for their future That they thanked him afterward and said “I just really appreciate you looking out for me” by firing me, right He fired someone out of love for them and It was because you know the job just wasn't the right place for them to be they weren't able to do a good job for The other people there, they needed to be somewhere else So this is the hard loving side of things. I hope that by taking a look at this this chart We're able to let go of this this false idea that Saying no is just this mean thing. We have to do and balance out with you know being nice Saying no can be one of the kindest most loving things we do for someone. People respond more to our intentions than whether we're saying yes or no. I mean working in residential treatment I've seen two different staff till one child and treatment the same rule “you have to XYZ” and the other staff saying “you have to XYZ” and the child says yes to the one and no to the other Because the child can tell where is that staff members heart is at the time They're telling them that rule. So it's less about rules Than it is about where your heart is when you're enforcing them and setting those boundaries. People will feel when you're saying no to them they can feel that you care about them when you do it. Some people might get confused by this-thinking that what I'm saying is we should let people walk all over us, or we should allow people to take advantage of us or we should never really do anything harsh to someone else. And that's absolutely not what I'm saying If someone's mistreating you is it really in their best interest that you don't put your foot down? No in general the reason people don't set boundaries is because they're afraid of being mean, they're afraid of feeling guilty, or they're afraid of feeling scared. So the reason they're not setting that boundary is not for the other person- They're not trying to be kind to the other person. They're trying to prevent themselves from feeling uncomfortable. It's it's selfish. Setting boundaries with someone else or telling them no can be the kindest thing we do for them and the most honest thing we do For ourselves but to do it we have to allow ourselves to experience our emotions. Remember the way we get healthier is not just about feeling better, But it's about getting better at feeling. So we allow ourselves to feel a little bit of discomfort As we set these boundaries, and we're gonna get a lot better at it. So just to sum things up let's let go of the idea that setting boundaries is mean and focus instead on Where our heart is when we're making these choices about boundaries. Let's focus our intentions on being kind loving and seeing what the other person needs. I hope this was helpful and thanks for watching I Have to credit the Arvinder Institute for my foundation in understanding this principle of “way of being” They go into a lot more detail in their books like the anatomy of peace and leadership and self-deception now They're not a sponsor or anything. I just really like them, so if you're interested in learning more about this go check out their books
#Obstacle #Setting #Healthy #Boundaries #Relationship #Skills
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Excellent concepts that make sense! Thank you Emma🤗
I love this! Any chance you could share a PDF of the soft vs hard yes/no doc?
I was wondering why my past relationships didn't develop beyond talking stage and that's the answer. I used to cut men off at the first sign of trouble, now I'm doing things differently. Setting boundaries is liberating. Being authentic with yourself, with the person and being at peace about the outcome.
It's not saying no. It's how you say no.
Thanks Emma 👍 for sharing this information with me.
This video is so valuable. Thank you! I feel like I just learned something that I should've been taught as a young child but I'm 44. 🤯
i would love to follow your course, could i get the free link to learn more?
There are manipulative people who twist you setting boundaries into screaming at you saying you’re a bad person
You reasoning has one serious flaw.. that teaching someone or guiding someone assumes you smart and they are dumb.. unfortunately tgus just leads to people passively controll8ng each other under the excuse of loving care… It s just abuse in a sheep's clothing… please refer to the work of Joe Hudson to get educated..
Thanks, very helpful!
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This was really relevant to my life right now, I feel like people pleasing is part of being afraid to set boundaries, I am working on this!
Your videos are so helpful. I'm learning so much!
I have healthy boundaries 🖤🐕🦄🍔🍟🍕.
This is so helpful! Thank you! I have saved it to listen to it again. I struggle so much with boundaries, not so much with my children, but with other family, my students, and colleagues. I definitely think there is a scared factor on my end that is worth exploring. Thank you!
Your video was extremely helpful! Thank you 🙏🏼💓
People should have the best possible boundaries that they possibly can.
People should be open to the best possible forms of love that they possibly can.
People should have the best possible open-mindednesses and close-mindednesses that they possibly can.
People should have the best possible opennesses and closednesses that they possibly can.
so helpful!
So what should you say when someone speaks harshly to you?
Great content as always! But Emma, would it be possible to get rid of the jumping edits in your videos? They make me feel nauseous! It's very distracting from the excellent content. Thanks!
7:46 not true for myself but i guess I could be the odd one out
The people who love respect my bounders. It's bully neighbor, and a one professional advisor who I am thinking about filing a report against, but due to curruption. I doubt nothing will be done.
I wanna add:
Lets remember that boundaries are also about what we need. Its not about being mean to them, but about making sure we are treated well.
Since childhood I had to put my family 1st
1:07 I unfortunately have lots of people in my life that delight in being mean. They go out of their way to hurt your feelings and being nasty. My brother got married he told me I'm not his family anymore.
I feel so lost. My fiancé left me after 4 years together, and I don’t know how to move forward. I just want him back.
6:03 wow, firing someone and framing it as helping them. That’s next level manipulation.
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